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~You drive a biscotti??   
05:29am 12/06/2018
mood: apathetic
Been having a lot of nightmares recently, it's been hard to get myself to start a project. I wake up with a bunch of ideas that I want to do, and then I can't get myself to do them and then I get frustrated at myself and so on. I always have more ideas than I can feasibly do! Everything just feels so hard right now... even doing fuzzing the brothers for the ghost seems really hard. I just have to actually start it and then things will fall into place, but it's annoying.
I still gotta figure out what to do with my pillowfort...

In the meantime, I should post another Handplates page here, that'll help me feel like I got something done. I'll even include some bonus pics I haven't posted anywhere else! Mostly because they're stupid silly doodles, but one is actually kind of serious but I probably won't post anywhere for a month or two (if at all) for reasons I'll go into when you see it.

Anyway, last time Asgore told Sans he was happy to have them stay with him forever. SO THEN WHAT??
Spoiler warning, etc.

Normal things?Collapse )

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~A tiny chip at a time   
01:28am 10/06/2018
mood: headache
Man the last couple days have been really draining... I feel really tired and burnt out. I ended up switching from Xsplit to OBS after I found out that OBS will let you stream and record at the same time, and I decided to do an experiment where I recorded myself doing a Handplates comic and then put together a sped-up video of it. I ended up with like thirty hours of footage... to be fair, a lot of the time during streams I'm chatting with people, or sometimes I eat while I watch a video, or something like that, but that's still like, thirty hours spent mostly focused on the comic... no wonder it felt like it took forever and it was so tiring.
Anyway, I put it together using Vegas, but it peaked at 300% speed increase, and while technically I could have re-rendered it all again to get it even faster, at that point it gets kind of hard to tell what I'm doing I think. Putting it together and editing out pauses where I chat with people or whatever also took a lot of time... I'm glad it's all done though.

It ended up getting split into 13 parts, so I put them all into a playlist, so you can skip to whichever part sounds interesting to you. Or you can watch the whole thing, it's up to you.
When I give people numbers for how long each one takes me, I dunno if those numbers ever really feel "real" so to speak... maybe this will make it clearer how much time each one of these takes? At the same time it feels like there has to be some kind of shortcut other artists use to make their comics that I just don't know about and I'm just doing it the slow way like a chump.

Most of the screen is blank, since I watch stuff on the right and chat on the left, so there's actually not a lot of real-estate on the screen for me to work. I don't really notice it myself most of the time...
I didn't want to get into copyright trouble so I ended up choosing remixes I knew were put up for free, mostly from OCR and the Underveil albums.

Most of the next ones after this comic are also going to be long and technically difficult... unique, complicated backgrounds, or a lot of text, or a lot of difficult poses or expressions... it gets tiring just thinking about it. I sort of miss being in the lab with simple clothes and simple backgrounds most of the time. Not much I can do about it now though...

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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04:16am 31/05/2018
mood: sleepy
Just a small thing, but nothing wrong with small posts! Right? Anyway, ages ago I signed up for the mailing list for this site called pillowfort that wanted to be a sort of hybrid tumblr/lj blogging site, which isn't a bad idea so I figured what the heck. I then totally forgot about it but they just sent me a beta code!

So now I got a pillowfort here (a pf?). I dunno how many people out there also have one considering how they're tryin to keep the userbase small/sustainable and all, but it'd be cool if it took off. It does have some cool features, like there are communities that can be modded and threaded comments and you can lock posts and you can delete a post and it'll delete all the reblogs and an in-built blacklist for filtering stuff, things like that.

I'm not sure what to really use it for at the moment though... maybe a tumblr backup? Hmm.

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Gotta get a zamboni in here   
01:24am 22/05/2018
mood: drained
Aah everyone's been so nice, thank you. I always want to repay that kindness by coming back all hey, I followed your advice, I feel great now! or something like that, and there's this kind of guilt that it doesn't happen... I don't know. It was really cloudy today like it was about to rain, sort of heavy air, kind of a staticy vibe. It's hard to really pin down what's going on emotionally. The next comic will be short at least, but already it feels like I'm running late, and I keep telling myself no deadline, there's no deadline...

On a lighter and more productive note at least, I have been updating the Frozen AU! Well, pretty irregularly, admittedly. Fic editing takes a long time and I sort of have to get into a separate head space for it since it's a different fandom/story and all. Anyway, it's up to Kristoph and Klavier confronting each other at Kristoph's ice office, which was a really fun scene and also an excuse to do something I really want, which is have Kristoph and Klavier face off in court. I wish we could've seen that in game! It would have been amazing. Apollo also finally shows up which was a fun scene, haha. Him and Trucy actually have one of my favorite relationships in the fic, they're just get into a lot of antics and bounce off each other really well. But a lot of that's still to come.
Edits and rewrites are always so tedious, bleh. I was actually doing rewrites on the current comic script one night where the point and jist all stayed the same but I felt like I kept rewriting the same paragraph to try and say things in a different way and none of them were any good! I think exhaustion can really cloud your judgment at times... I finally did just let it go but it's so frustrating to feel like something's broken but not be able to figure out how to fix it or make it work the way you want it to.

So tiiireeedd

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~How am I going to be an octopus about this   
09:06pm 18/05/2018
mood: tired
Ultramega Ok! recordings! 5-4...

WillRock - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - True Evening
Keven Penkin - Final Fantasy VII/VIII - Duel of the Blades
Ian Martyn - Undertale - Child of the Light (Asgore's Heartache) [feat. Darby Cupit & Lauren Liebowitz]
Jacob Pernell - Chrono Trigger - At Last, It Is Time (feat. Joshua Du Chene, Alyssa Menes, & Michaela Nachtigall)
WillRock - Mega Man 3 - Magnetic Fireworks

I mixed up the last mix with a different one so I ended up rambling a bit to cover it up.


Materia Collective - Undertale - Dogsong (Annoying Mix)
Forgotten Dawn - Metal Gear Solid 2 - Nu Dead Cell
Sir Jordanius - Dungeonmans - Big Donut-Slammin' Moe
Avaris - Xenogears - The Last Fatima
Sagnewshreds - Secret of Mana - Eight Magics

The Dungeonmans mix is super funky, haha.


Bart Klepka - Master of Magic Trance Mix
Benjamin Briggs, Phonetic Hero - Sonic the Hedgehog 2 - Ruinous Ruins!
Sir NutS - System Shock - Digital Horrors
Ghetto Lee Lewis - Heretic - Frozen Inferno
WillRock - Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past - Raining at Hyrule Castle
Kevin Vitz-Wong - Undertale - Rise of the Bird That Carries You Over A Disproportionately Small Gap

The melody I mention is from Higher Ground, I swear Master of Magic has a similar little riff. Sometimes I try to think of one in my head and I mix it up with the other.
I actually mixed up the last one with a DIFFERENT mix of the bird gap song with lyrics WOOPS

I don't really know what's going on in my head lately. It's like this weird mixture of numbness and anxiety, and periods where I feel like I'm being crazy about something but it's hard to stop myself anyway. Like there's an extra level of frustrating in feeling a way about something that rationally you know is stupid, but you can't make it stop, in a sense? It's not even in any one particular way, it's very scattershot.

Read more...Collapse )

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~If you're this family's secret santa, don't buy them potholders   
04:41pm 10/05/2018
mood: sleepy
Ultramega Ok! recording!

Brandon Strader, Cheryl Norfair - Guild Wars 2 - Embrace the Night
League of Legends - Worlds Collide ft. Nicki Taylor
Nyxtheshield - Undertale - A Dreemurr's Return
INFINITY - Yume Nikki - Yume Nikki
LuIzA, Level 99 - Final Fantasy IX - Ghosts
梅干茶漬け - Undertale - Million Streaks

I'd have one for last week but eh, it was a bit glitchy. I'm gonna try to get a better copy of it.

So many things it feels like I should be doing, aaagh. I can do another Handplates page at least! Maybe it'll be easier to do these more often if I don't have to do so many at once...

People ask for a Handplates book sometimes, and I wonder how I'd put it together considering how small and vertical the comics are, but also sometimes I picture adding in my commentary for each page and it'd just... go on for pages lol. I wonder if I'd have to split the commentary into a separate section of the book or something... idk, random speculation.

Spoilerrrssss for Undertale aheaaddd

be my children foreverCollapse )

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~With satanic stringbeans   
02:39am 07/05/2018
mood: restless
Aah Miitomo's shutting down in a few days, I saved my favorite threads while I could but still! I enjoyed making stupid pictures in that app.

I feel kind of anxious/stressed out and I can't decide on any one given thing to focus on, sort of a choice paralysis thing. Too many ideas and I can't just decide on one to do, it's annoying. You'd think I'd be used to that kind of feeling given how often I feel it, but! Apparently not. I guess the same way you can constantly have nightmares and never get completely used to them. When it's not a low-key anxious feeling about getting stuff done there's this weird kind of dissociated feeling going on, it's not even really numbness but just like a sensation that everything is happening to someone else so I end up not feeling anything.

But I can post a Handplates page or two at least! That... hopefully won't take too long. I guess it depends on how long I feel like rambling. It's strange, currently in the comic we're coming close to the end of a rather big phase and there's still so much to go but at the same time, there's been so much progress... sometimes I think about how long I've managed to keep this thing going and it feels like I must be thinking of someone else. Surely I couldn't be doing that! I can't have maintained a comic that long and complicated and workheavy for this long, and yet...

I wonder how long it'll take to actually reach the end...?

A very awkward talkCollapse )

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Even in Japan that's a niche market   
11:10pm 01/05/2018
mood: tired
OH i made a tiny little flash thing, about five seconds long haha. It's just a joke from Gumball that seemed too appropriate.

You can also watch the swf version here! I spent way too long exporting it as a video file in various formats to try and get a certain look...

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Perhaps the dagblagged thing is over yonder   
12:10am 26/04/2018
mood: hungry
Ultramega OK! recordings! Lost a week, bleh. My own fault for putting it off, really.


RichaadEB - Chrono Trigger - Undersea Palace
GaMetal - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Pursuit ~ Cornered
Darby Cupit & Ian Martyn - Undertale - Temcapella
izna - Undertale - Only
katethegreat19 - Final Fantasy IX - You Don't Know Me
DrumUltimA - Final Fantasy VII - Holding Hands


Flexstyle, XPRTNovice - Super Mario 3D World - Caravan Bowser
Dj ThirdEye - Final Fantasy VI - Day of Ruin
CarboHydromM, Scaredsim - Metal Gear Solid 2 - Sounds of Liberty
FamilyJules7x - Duck Tales Guitar Medley
Super Guitar Bros - Secret of Mana - The Summer Sky is Blue

A day without Undertale! THE LEGENDS ARE TRUE.

In general news not a lot has been going on, I guess. I have been frustrated with my drawing ability though... it feels like nothing's coming out right, or everything looks weird, or yada yada. And it's hard to get started on things! But I guess that's nothing new at this point.
My phone did briefly break on Friday, but I did manage to get it fixed fairly quickly this time! So that didn't turn out so badly in the end.

I really should update here more often, but it's hard to think of what to say at times...
Not too many people seem too interested in Radic and Farns but I was expecting that, haha. Most of the feedback I'm getting is about their balloon not working, which ironically was the part of the ghost I was the most proud of. Most of the time it seems to be a font issue, but it's kind of disheartening. Eh, I knew what I was signing up for. At least they're done!

Oh, if you missed the marathon before, it's been uploaded to Youtube! Here are the hours I was hanging around, haha. I'd recommend skipping hour 13 unless you really know what you're in for... it is not for the faint of heart. But it was a fun time!

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Pour one out for lost Game Corners   
05:22am 19/04/2018
mood: tired
Blargh I'm tired but after WAY TOO LONG, I FINALLY SAT DOWN AND DID IT

I wrote up a really simple page for them here, I might clean it up and make it fall more in-line with the normal NPLU pages later. If you already have Gaster or Hunter and Smoker, it should be pretty easy to install them. Just drag and drop the bluepearl.zip onto your current Ghost to install their balloon, then drag and drop the radic_farns.nar onto the current Ghost to install the actual Ghost.

I'm REALLY proud of their balloon actually, haha. It's incredibly accurate! The online marker uses the same "Waiting...!" message when you used the Link Cable in Red and Blue, and Farn's balloons use a real balloon from Diamond and Pearl and he has the right dropshadow and everything, haha. HOWEVER, you may need to install the Pokemon fonts they use for full-effect. If you open up the bluepearl zip in like 7-Zip or somethin, I included the fontfiles in there. So just install .ttf files and you should be good to go. It'll still work without the fonts but it won't look as nice.

Anyway, Radic and Farns are relatively simple as far as ghosts go... they don't have a relationship system or anything, so you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings or offending them. Yet, anyway. You can't even punch them actually! So don't be afraid to doubleclick them either, you won't hurt them. It felt mean to me to let someone punch a blind kid and his disabled Lucario...
They have a lot of background info in their menus, Radic especially since he'll tell you stories about all his Pokemon, haha. They only have one response to each menu choice though, unlike Gaster, so you don't have to spam a choice to make sure you got all the responses or anything.

Sometimes they'll turn into sprites, that's normal. I actually wanted to use that for when you shrank them using shell scaling but I didn't think it through all the way and it didn't work... but I liked the sprites so I kept them anyway, haha. One of the unique things is that they will customize their dialogue depending on what region you tell them you like! So they'll talk about Pokemon from that region, or bring up events that happened in that region, that kind of thing. Alola is the one with the least specialized dialogue right now, since I haven't finished the post-game in Moon and I didn't want to spoil myself looking things up, but they'll still talk about Alolan Pokemon if you choose that area. And you can always just choose all the regions for all the dialogue!

Their random convos about Pokemon match-ups are semi-randomly generated, which can sometimes bring up some confusing or amusing results, haha. Sometimes a Pokemon may appear twice if it's a dual-type... just gotta roll with it for now. I like trying to picture how the battles they talk about play out.

They don't have a TON of dialogue right now, but they've been sitting around half-finished for so long, I just wanted them to be DONE. If I think of more, I can add more to them later anyway, so it's no big deal. But at least they're finally done! If you run into any bugs with them, let me know and I'll check it out. I keep feeling like no one's going to care about these two, haha...

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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03:53pm 07/04/2018
  Oh right! I'm gonna be reading again for an F Plus 24 hour marathon, haha. I should start around 9pm Pacific, should be fun!

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
~"Oh, so I guess we aren't friends then!" "N... no, not really."   
03:47pm 05/04/2018
mood: awake
Ultramega Ok! recording!

katethegreat19 - Final Fantasy IX - You're Not Alone
GENTLE LOVE - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask - Oath to Order
Thomas Kresge - Undertale - Snowdin Town
RichaadEB feat Christina Vee - Touhou - Bad Apple!
Jahvey - Yume Nikki - BGM 01 ~Archite Mix~

Mixed a bit high at first but evens out. Bad Apple isn't actually from Embodiment of Scarlet Devil, I was actually thinking of UNOwen was Her but OH WELL

Still working on things, it's hard to get started at times but once I do I can usually keep it up. I should really finish Radic and Farns already... their menus are really close to being done now. I keep wondering who'll download them in the end since they're just two Pokemon OCs, but then again, there aren't a LOT of english Ghosts to go around, haha. AND I'VE COME THIS FAR, I MIGHT AS WELL SEE IT THROUGH
Still have to write all their random dialogue...

Anyway, in other news, I recently watched the anime OVA for Gyo, which was Junji Ito's story about fish with legs that kept escalating into greater and greater grotesqueries. You can read it here and I recommend doing so if you have the time, it's more of a disturbing story than a scary one I think, but it does stick with you (be warned that it gets really grotesque at points). I picked up the OVA for Gyo a while back, but I'd never gotten around to watching it for whatever reason until recently.

The anime changes several things about the original story, and most of them for the worse. It DOES switch the protagonist's roles, in that Kaori is now the main protagonist instead of Tadashi, the boyfriend, so Tadashi really gets the raw end of the deal instead of her, which would be a choice I'd be more supportive of if it weren't for everything around it.
Kaori has two new friends in the OVA, which can be summed up as slutty girl and fat (she's not fat at all, she's actually normal sized, but of course everyone calls her fat) girl. Maybe this is just me, but Junji Ito's stuff to me is pretty unsexualized. In particular for Gyo, a story about that's essentially about death farts, the last thing I'd think about ANYthing in that story is how sexy any of the characters are. Even the shower scene at the beginning of Gyo seems completely sexless to me. But the OVA REALLY wanted to aggressively sexualize EVERYthing. There's an on-screen threeway, a lot of nudity, girls losing their clothing during shark attacks, there's a giant squid that only exists to grab Kaori's boob with its tentacle... it's not only really out-of-place, it's incredibly off-putting. Slutty girl makes fun of fat girl for being fat, and fat girl hates her for being slutty, and then when slutty girl gets infected and starts puffing up (almost like... she's being punished for her sluttiness... get it, because having sex is bad), there's this bizarre scene where fat girl yells at her that now SHE's the fat one and now SHE KNOWS HOW IT FEELS!!! and then she beats her almost to death with a paper weight while fish judgmentally look on and it's just, WHY IS THIS IN THIS. WHY IS THIS HERE. WHY AM I WATCHING THIS.

I'm not a Junji Ito expert by any means, but from the stuff of his I've seen, he generally treats his female protagonists and his male protagonists mostly the same. They even look fairly similar most of the time since they tend to have the same :|; face whenever something bad happens, haha. But even though awful things happen to them or the people they care about, and even if many times they don't really have internal lives or emotions beyond being canon fodder for whatever creepy idea he has, there's a sort of sense I get that he's treating them mostly the same. All just bodies to get tossed into whatever furnace. The OVA in comparison was so blatantly objectifying of the female characters that it was just really repellant to me, and even more so because this is the last story on earth that should have this added to it. WHY would you think adding girls sexily losing articles of their clothing to a shark attack would be a thing that Gyo needs??? Why would you add two girls cattily sniping at each other about whether they're too fat/too slutty? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS. I know why, it's a rhetorical question. But it left this really gross taste in my mouth about the whole thing. I sort of felt insulted at the idea that this would be something I would want added to Gyo, and embarrassed to even be watching something that hit so many of the worst stereotypes about anime.

Not only that, but the pacing in it felt completely weird. There were unnecessary bits of anime philosophizing where people just sit and talk about nonsense, you know what I mean, but other things felt really rushed. Which I can get, given how little time they had, but the shark attack for example felt like a big deal in the comic, there was some kind of suspense, and in the OVA it happened so rapidly that it was just sort of cartoonish and forgettable. Things went so quickly or so slowly that reveals didn't have any kind of sticking or staying power. There was no real sense of suspense or dread or horror for me, just Kaori getting thrown around by fish while the camera focused on her crotch or her friends getting into weirdly sexualized danger.

It was just really gross in a totally different and totally unnecessary way from the original. I'm actually sort of angry about how bad it was because I did enjoy the manga. Don't bother watching it. Just read the manga if you're interested.

One of the things that interested me about the OVA though, and also the movie version of Uzumaki which I'll get into in a second, is that both of them took some time to try and establish some kind of internal life and motivations for the characters. Like, moments to try and explain who these people are and why they do stuff to try and ground the story in some way. Which I always find kind of hilarious because Junji Ito is very much not interested in that at all in his stories, haha. Stuff just happens to people who get dead, that's the basic jist of it. He's really not super interested in their feelings or dreams or aspirations outside of how it serves whatever creepy thing he's doing. But adaptations apparently can't just let that lie, they always try to add more depth to the characters. I dunno, it amuses me, haha.

Anyway after watching Gyo, I decided to watch the movie version of Uzumaki again for comparison. That one was live action and also a lot older than Gyo, and it's an extremely strange movie. In that sense it is accurate to that alienating, bizarre feeling you get from a lot of Ito's stuff, just kind of confusing and disconcerting, sometimes on the border of creepy and silly. The movie tended to tip over more into silly though, particularly with a lot of its editing choices. Shots get repeated for no reason, flipped, inverted... there are so many weird directorial choices in Uzumaki! So many weird choices.

It does build a sense of creeping dread though, although perhaps the payoff isn't enough for some, haha. It's very slow-paced but that's not really a surprise for a Japanese horror movie really, and the acting is also really stilted and weird. But again, I can't say that's really too far off from the original manga, haha. There are moneyshots in Uzumaki that are just not replicable in real life, at least not with the budget they had, but still, they did an okay job I think. If you want to check out Uzumaki, you should read the manga really, but the movie is... I wouldn't say it's good, exactly, but it's... servicable? It's just so weird. It might be worth seeing just because it's just such a surreal thing. But it's not as off-putting an adaptation as the Gyo one at least.


I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
~Lightning above and a fire below me   
03:52am 26/03/2018
mood: sick
Ah, I shouldn't make anyone worry, but I did eventually work out a way back home, and I am there now and I'm fine. The return trip was uneventful! Thankfully. I feel pretty drained and out of it though, and vaguely sick though I'm sure it'll pass. I hope it'll pass anyway. But I am okay, if you were worried.

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Though I die a magpie   
07:52pm 16/03/2018
mood: nothing
So far, I have...

-Missed my first non-refundable, non-transferable flight by a few minutes
-Gotten a new one-way ticket at the airport in desperation, hoping that the return flight would still be valid but internally believing it wouldn't be
-Got here safely
-Dropped my phone the day after I got here and broke the screen
-Taken my phone to a repair place, with the promise I'd have it back today
-Heard back from them today, they got a bad part so I won't get it back until next Tuesday, two days before I'm supposed to go home
-Borrowed someone else's phone to call the airline and confirm what I already suspected, that the return flight has also been cancelled, so I have to find another way to get home

I'm already looking into methods and it'll probably be the train, it's the cheapest and I still have my laptop and DS at least. Still, with my luck lately I'm sure the phone won't be done in time and I'll have to have it mailed back to me or something like that.

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Delicious hats for sale!   
08:06pm 11/03/2018
mood: sore
Ultramega Ok! recordings! 2-23...

Shnabubula - Secret of Mana - Dueling Consoles
Arcien - Undertale - Spear of Justice
Sirenstar - Undertale - Lullaby for the Fallen Child
Video Games Live - Earthworm Jim
Atelier Izumi - Yume Nikki: Houchou Shoujo Gensoukyoku - Prelude

Ugh, a lot of distortion on this one... got some of my voice from the beginning but after that it's just music. The music sounds fine though!


Gitaroo Man - Born to Be Bone
AHMusic - Undertale - Your Best Nightmare
BRZion - Yume Nikki - Dreams Falling
insaneintherain - Sonic the Hedgehog 2 - Aquatic Ruin Zone (Jazz Arrangement)
Elizabeth Zharoff & Akash Thakkar - Undertale - Once Upon a Gory Snow

Some faint fluttering but otherwise fine.

Last couple days it's felt like I've had to fight my brain to do anything, or at least start something substantial. Ideas float around but I can't pin them down into anything worthwhile. It's very frustrating. Continual bad dreams but at least they aren't so bad they wake me up, so that's something at least. Some of them are still haunting me a few days later though. Last night at least was just a fairly standard yume nikki type game exploration dream, that wasn't so bad. Or if there was something bad, I don't remember it now.

In more relevant news, I'm going to head up to see Moro for about ten days, starting tomorrow. I might work on some stuff while I'm there but I might not, I dunno. Maybe I'll update here and maybe I won't, I'm not sure! It'll probably be ghost stuff, if anything, so you can check that entry every now and then and see. I feel like I got to get a lot of stuff all together still...

Bunch of stuff I could write up, gotta decide on one of them. I did manage to put up a chapter for the Frozen fic last night, although it was shorter than I thought it was in my head. It's gratifying to think that even a few people are reading it, my expectations are really not high.

Can do a few Handplates comics, and maybe an extra doodle I never posted anywhere before. Last time the bros were hanging out with Asgore and we started getting flashback glimpses into key moments of Gaster's life. Two of those moments are in here, and boy they are doozies.

Surprising amount of blood, well, maybe not actuallyCollapse )

christ this entry got SO LONG UGH

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~That's both lazy AND cowardly!   
04:33pm 04/03/2018
mood: tired
Trying to hang in there. Gotta keep going. Slowly making progress on a few fronts, so that's good. It occurred to me that I haven't done a Handplates post in ages so I really gotta catch up on that... a lot of the more recent comics are kind of dense or have a bunch of stuff going on, so I might as well put them here before I forget, haha. I dunno if I'll do all of them, I'll see how much energy I've got.

Anyway, last time the bros were living with Asgore and slowly learning how to live like normal people and such. What could they be up to now?

Is Gaster still hanging around, sort of?Collapse )

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Cause I know where I'm going but not what to do   
10:16am 22/02/2018
mood: drained
Ultramega Ok! recording, 2-2...

Pumpkin King - Battletoads, Battletoads in Battlemaniacs, Sonic 3 - Gotta Pause Fast
FamilyJules7x - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Guitar Medley
Laura Platt - Undertale - The Last Soul
bLiNd - Undertale - Uwa! Mega Temperate

Lost a minute or so in here somehow... not really sure how that happened. 2-9...

Jakesnke17 feat. Source X - Pokemon Red/Blue - Conundrum ~Jolteon~
PokerusVGM - Undertale - Heartburn
prophetik - Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening - Animal Counterpoint
Ace Waters - Undertale - Ingress (ft. RichaadEB)
Adriana Figueroa ft. FamilyJules7x - Undertale - Home (Vocal version)

I got a bit choked up by the end of this one... 2-16...

Frank Klepacki - Legend of Kyrandia 3: Malcolm's Revenge - Groove1
Team Friesen - Super Metroid - Swampy Caverns
hapi⇒ - Undertale - Techno in the Ruins
katethegreat19 - Final Fantasy IX - You Don't Know Me
Tanchiky - Undertale - COME ON! DISCO THE SOULS

I love Disco the Souls, haha. It's so much fun. I gotta add the new tracks I've found...

Feel really behind on stuff, and when I think about getting started on any of it it seems overwhelming. Even with the ghost, things I have planned just seem so complicated. I haven't written a larger art post in a long time... there's so much of it just lying around now. I actually had another one of those bouts where I just wanted to delete everything in certain cases a while back. It's been hard not to dwell on things I feel like I did wrong, like my brain keeps dredging up stuff from when I was a kid even like that's helpful at all.

I had a bad time in the drivethrough to Taco Bell of all things, they had some new orange vanilla drink and I could picture Nana seeing that and thinking I would like it, and recommending we both get it. She remembered the kinds of food I liked, she'd keep an eye out for things she thought I'd like and get them for me as little gifts all the time... I order food sometimes that just reminds me of her.
I woke up today trying to quantify the last couple years. I mentioned before that it doesn't feel like a lot of time has passed since she died, which is still true. But when I put a solid number to it, I was surprised how much death and loss occurred during a span of three years. That both seems like a very short time and that it's always been like this, and the next death is just around the corner. Each one always felt like the worst until the next one came. Maybe the reason the last year feels so blurry is because no death defined it. There was Carroway, I suppose, but I often fold him into Nana's death since they were only a few months apart. Although that anniversary is coming up too, I suppose. Poor Carroway. I have his urn on my desk.

I feel bad for not having some kind of better news, like hey I found a grief counselor and now I feel a lot better, here's some fun nonsense that'll brighten up your day, don't worry about me. This kind of thing just makes people worry, it feels like. I want to feel better than I do most of the time. These kind of things don't feel like much of an update.

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~The arrows fly, points tipped in misery   
05:08am 18/02/2018
mood: my head
Thanks for commenting before, a lot of the time I don't know what to say, or how to respond, but I do appreciate it. It's hard to find the motivation to do anything lately.

It really doesn't feel like any time has passed. When I try to think of when it happened, it feels like it was just weeks ago. I have these rapid mood swings between this sudden pain and nothing at all, sometimes it's just feelings with no identifiable cause. I had another dream last night where Nana was in a weird state, brought back from death but still eventually going to die, and I couldn't decide how to feel, or figure out if she was alive or dead, it was this weird grey area. Another night I had a dream where I was sleeping in bed and distressed about something, and I felt Nana hug me, and she said she heard me in trouble.

I've got this lowkey headache again, I feel like I get dizzy more easily than usual. It's hard to focus, and it's hard to eat lately. Everything tastes like ashes, or I can't get up the motivation to pick up something and put it in my mouth, even when it's right next to me. For the last couple days I've been crying on and off, sometimes when I really don't expect it. It'd be nice if it made me feel better, but mostly it makes me tired.

I want to turn this into something, make something worthwhile out of it but I draw blanks, I think of things I should be drawing and I keep drawing blanks, left and right. Nothing comes to me, nothing comes out right. Even stuff I want to do feels so hard to start.

I did finish something lately that I liked I guess.

Sort of rainyCollapse )

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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04:44am 13/02/2018
  my head feels like it's filled with bees. thoughts won't stay still and they often sting. i can't focus to get anything done, when i don't do anything i feel worse, it gets harder to focus when i feel worse. i think i have a headache.

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!
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~Jump it all around   
06:45pm 31/01/2018
mood: awake
Ultramega Ok! recording! Two weeks ago...

DjtheS - Super Mario RPG - The Forge of Evil
ルゼ(EXP50000) - Undertale - とても長いエレベーターに乗ったときにもしかしたら流れ出すかもしれない曲
Jon Bash - Undertale - Death Report!
Fredrik Häthén - Undertale - True Determination
Jahvey - Yume Nikki - Flute ~Monoe Mix~
Thomas Kresge - Undertale - Dummy!

My voice got a bit muffled, but otherwise it should be fine. I love True Determination so much. And last week's!

meganeko - Sonic the Hedgehog - You're Too Slow
Jason Lux, Saskia Kusrahadianti - Undertale - Home
Alek Fleischer - Metroid II: Return of Samus - Hatchling Theme
Fredrik Häthén - Undertale - Alphys
Sanbai - Yume Nikki - Carinba
Roze - Undertale - His Theme - Shattered (23 People Chorus)

I got stuck listening to Carinba way too many times one night, haha.

Still trying to hang in there, tired and often sore. It'd be nice to feel like I got a good night's sleep at some point.

But! It's that time of year again! It's the ladies' anniversary! This always ends up sneaking up on me, haha. I was spending most of the time leading up to it working on a really long and intensive Handplates comic, but I did manage to find the time to do something a little intensive for them as well! I got the idea in the car when the song came on, haha.

A Stamp on the Ground cameo!

They totally would've been in Stamp on the Ground if they'd existed at the time, haha. But a lot of characters would be in it now that weren't around back then. Just have to speculate about what it'd be like nowadays! I have no intention of redoing it or making a sequel, haha.
I haven't animated anything in Flash in a long time and I sort of forgot how to do it, jeez. There was a bit of flailing around until it came back to me. I'd use Flash more often if it worked better with my tablet... it's really annoying I can't map ctrl-z to the buttons on it and have to use autohotkey to do it, there's so much lag.
Anyway, it fits best with the other clips, but I isolated it here since that's sort of the point. I did it at the bit for Green Tentacle, I just turned off his layers and made some new ones. I didn't want to replace anything, this is just for fun really. It only lasts a second but dang! I always forget how long animating anything takes, jeez.

I also posted this at dreamwidth with reluctant ambivalence. Comment here or there, don't matter to me!