Grand Master Planet Eater (zarla) wrote,
  • Mood: tired
  • Music: 3852. Tess - Stay

~Zetsuai: These wounds they will not heal

HEY LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE why not

Zetsuai is another old thing, along the lines of Ai no Kusabi although I don't know if it was as well known. MAYBE IT WAS I DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE I DO A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THIS STUFF
It's also about as long as Ai no Kusabi was as well, huh.

But downloading stuff to try and find something amusing, I decided Zetsuai fit the bill. The quality is a bit iffy at points (these caps are taken at full resolution and they're still small but I worried that blowing them up would make them even harder to see clearly), i guess the video was ripped from an old VHS or something but who knows, BUT IT SHOULD BE LEGIBLE.

As for what it's about, there's only one word that really sums the whole thing up, and that word is MELODRAMA

ENDLESS MELODRAMA

ANGST LIKE YOU'VE NEVER ANGSTED BEFORE MEN

and it's all so hilariously sincere

It's kind of like... how did I describe it before. Oh yeah, it's like a Linkin Park song brought to life. So if you were ever a stupid angsty teenie THIS WILL SEEM VERY FAMILIAR. It's also relatively inoffensive, compared to some of the other stuff I've seen (cough okane ga nai cough).

There's nothing really bad in this one, so this is actually mooostly safe for work I guess. PG-13 MAYBE?

Also in a refreshing change of pace, everyone involved is supposedly 16, even though they look 25. THAT'S AN INVERSION I DON'T USUALLY SEE. Also the art style is just... you have to see it to really appreciate it. I can't put it into words. Well okay I can sum it up in one word - long.




My fifth grade was so young then, so carefree.



JESUS?




Their physical impossibility



LET'S PLAY SPOT THE UKE
I call uke.



Seme.



Man I hate it when that happens



woah what



And now I'm a filthy hobo sleeping on trash in the middle of the street. Funny what sticks with you.



1989 WOOOOOOO
WE'RE GOIN BACK IN TIME WITH THIS ONE GUYS
oh jesus that's twenty years isn't it oh my god



DON'T DO IT, HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU LEND PEOPLE AN UMBRELLA



Also I toked up behind the store before I left, that's cool right



Nice shorts buddy



That billboard is begging for graffiti. How could you not see a face like that and want to scribble all over it.



JUST TAKIN A NAP, DON'T MIND ME



Wow he ran right over him OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS LEGS



Huh, didn't see that coming.



DARN IT.



Greasy oily skin, good morning.



Do you like my slipper hat



Well hey who hasn't done that with a blue-haired unconscious guy they've never met that they picked up from a pile of trash, I know I have

Also haha I was right. OH SPOT THE UKE, YOU'RE SO EASY TO PLAY.

Also man 80s yaoi apparently had a thing for dark haired/skinned ukes and pale light-haired semes.



WELL DARN EVERYONE PACK UP WE'RE HEADING HOME

What to call this guy. I think I'll call him Sephiroth because it amuses me.



HELP SOMETHING'S ASSAULTING ME



You can be Heero Yuy, because the true love story of Sephiroth and a Gundam Wing pilot has gone untold for too long.

(i bet there actually is a sephiroth/heero fic out there but heck if I'm going to go look for it now)



I'M SORRY THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBED THREE SMACKS IN THE MOUTH A DAY, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO



Little does Heero know that that was Sephiroth's ingenious plan all along





OH YEAH DON'T STEAL ANYTHING WHILE I'M GONE RANDOM GUY I MET IN AN ALLEYWAY WELL BYE



What is... the Reunion?




WELP, MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT EASY. I'M IN NO RUSH.



He had spiky blond hair, I forget his name.




I had to duck out the back of a club, I swear that bike thinks we're married or something




Then I got royally baked.





HEY SEPHIROTH IS A ROCK STAR
ANYONE SURPRISED

I should hope not because about 80% of all yaoi/shounen-ai characters (and slash AU characters) are rock stars or aspiring rock stars. I think the rest are all in high school. OR BOTH.



In a shocking twist, this is actually the touching love story between Reeve and Sephiroth.



I can't tell if Katsumi is a man or a woman. Their voice is extremely androgynous and given the art style so is everything and everyone else. I THINK HE IS SEPHIROTH'S BOYISH CHILDHOOD FRIEND
MAYBE



I thought maybe there'd be a love triangle or something but it actually was all strangely platonic.





Wow he sucks





Or maybe he can, I don't know.

Fun fact - The same guy who voiced Jonathan Tyberius in Legend of the Blue Wolves does the voice for Heero! And also ukebro from Level C and Glyde from Megaman Legends. Tee hee.

Also, that voice actor (Koyasu Takehito) is good friends with Hikaru Midorikawa, who did the voice for the real Heero Yuy. :O NOT THAT ANYONE OUT THERE CARES except sheena maybe



Anyway Heero tries to rouse Sephiroth, but he begs Jenova for just a few more minutes of sleep.



He does get up eventually though and Heero sneezes, so Sephiroth gets all concerned and such.




I'LL KILL YOU




It's hard to convey how >8( Heero is when he says these lines here but just imagine all the lines on his neck tight with repressed fury, you'll get it.




OH SNAP





what



estuans interius





There better be or I gonna make you one, bucko.



ira vehementi




be taking a nap



Those fingers look like they could reach right into someone's womb.



SEPHIROTH WAS PASSED OUT IN AN ALLEYWAY HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS

HIS LOVE LIFE IS IN DISARRAY




I really, really wish there was a way you guys could hear the completely inappropriate musical sting here because it was beyond hilarious. I can't do justice to it with words.




You'll find it's empty.




NOBODY'S EVER MILDLY SCOLDED ME BEFORE
Anyway Seph gets bored and decides to find his wallet and rummage around in Heero's things.



Ness, Paula, and a puffball on a stick.



Anyway Sephiroth decides to get down to brass tacks and do some stalking, so goes to find Heero's orphanage.
Oh yeah, Heero's an orphan by the way.




This is Heero's orphanage mom lady! I don't know what the word for that is. Apparently Heero called her at night for advice on what to do with an unconscious silverblue haired man he found in the trash.




estuans interius




COULD SEPHIROTH BE LYING
GASP





oh jeez I thought they just moved away and forgot him or something




UH OH



ira vehementi



I like how they walked a good distance away and waited until it got real dark to have this conversation on the Talkin' Bridge.




I guess Sephiroth's never been good at subtly weaving tragic revelations into his speech.



GRRR



Oh big surprise.







HEERO used GLARE!
SEPHIROTH can't move!



AGH WOAH




Clipping error? Shoddy polygonal models?



HELP IT'S SMOTHERING ME



aDUUUUUH



This doesn't capture it but Heero very delicately laid himself down here. lol

Anyway as Sephiroth said, Heero is sick. So Sephiroth decides to take on his parttime jobs for him!



I want that salad. Why do I want that salad.



HAHA SURE LET'S GO WITH THAT







An active one?




There was that spiky haired guy, I forget his name.




FEEEEEAR IS HOOOOW I FAAAAAAALL

Anyway Heero has a soccer match and his sister shows up. And so does Sephiroth!



Probably not the best way to ingratiate yourself to him, Seph.



When you get home your shoes are going to bombs, buddy.




Then maybe toss a materia at you, I don't know.



Heero says, violently flipping him off.





You're dead man.
So dead.



Heero's sister is your typical cliche shoujo stereotype. Shy and nice and blushy and supportive of her brother, etc etc.

I think I'll call her Relena.




Mmmm yes. Yes. His friend. Mmmm.




Maybe now I can throw out all that disturbing porn he has under his bed!





~angst~






Sephiroth you're not very sharp, are you.




Those doctors were lying! LYING!




Swooning uke, check. WILL HE HIT THE FLOOR? MAKE YOUR BETS!



Haha nice hand there Seph.



I'm going to have to take a shower now.




SEPHIROTH!
SEPHIROTH!
I MARRIED YOU ON THE ASTRAL PLANE SEPHIROOOOOOOOTH



This is the archetypal shoujo cliche pose, right down to the flaring hair.



I DIDN'T SIGN NO ASTRAL MARRIAGE LICENSE



No!



Well that was quick.



I didn't know pneumonia worked like that.




AND AUNTIE EM IS FINE, SHE'S NOT DEAD, EVERYTHING'S FINE, JUST... JUST GO TO SLEEP, OKAY?





Well I'd be a bit alarmed too if I started weeping tears of mercury.



Is this really the time?








I... don't see how that makes things better?



YOU WEREN'T BEING GAY ON MY BROTHER WERE YOU
HE'S ALLERGIC




Relena is shocked by this sudden hug by a guy whose legs make up 3/4ths of his body.



Then Sephiroth sleeps maybe with some random woman we've never seen before, apparently in a nuclear reactor.
mako reactor





WHAT
SERIOUSLY??




Well I guess that does explain some of his irrational behavior.



Sephiroth - smooth talker.



Sephiroth then burns off his teenage angst by speeding in someone else's car.



veni veni venias



AT THE HOSPITAL, HEERO HAS MADE A FULL RECOVERY!




How convenient.



So I guess Katsumi IS a guy?





His face doesn't really capture the latent rage in everything Heero says.



Katsumi takes this pretty well. I guess he's used to it.




I BROUGHT MY SILLY OUTFIT, IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT

I ALSO HAVE THE TAB FROM A COKE CAN IF ANYONE NEEDS IT





Katsumi's job kind of sucks.






IS IT GAY? PLEASE LET IT BE GAY! TEE HEE HEE HEE





Heero flips out.




Although actually these seem like fairly reasonable requests, considering.




YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR WHAT, TWO DAYS?



I didn't quite catch this but Heero throws a bottle of whiskey at him.



If you were wondering whether or not it gave Seph an artistic shallow cut on his face, then you'd be correct!




ne me mori facias




lol



The 80s were not a kind time to anyone. MUSICAL INTERLUDE!



Relena goes to ask Seph for advice since Heero refuses to talk to anyone since that day and then tabloid reporters get their picture! omg!



I feel obligated to mention here that the music is just as 80s as you're imagining and Seph is not a good singer.



I'M HACKING INTO A NETWORK OKAY I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS




HEARTLESS MEDIA DOGS





chances that this scar will be meaningfully caressed at some point in the future
100%





ANGST






I got a little confused at this point because I'm not sure if this is Heero's little brother saying this and Heero >:(ing about it, or if it's Heero saying it, which doesn't make sense since his dad should be dead at this point. I think it's his brother though.






Someone tell that guy with the leaf blower to cut it out!



craaaawling iiiiin my skiiiiin



Sorry, had a bit of hair in my face there




beacause... you are a puppet



Anyway Seph apparently wants to buy a house close to Heero so he can stalk him more efficiently. Katsumi is mildly irritated by this.



I CAN HARDLY ENJOY MY BUDWEISER©



You have all these pictures of him with the eyes cut out with a razor, it's weird




Not if it interrupts my personal happy hour



WELL WHATEVER BYE



My legs are so long.





Peeping at men is different somehow.




HEERO'S HAVIN A RIPROARIN GOOD TIME





It'd probably help if you didn't buy a house specifically to spy on him, Seph.





Look
just
you really need to wash that uniform









GO FOR THE GOLD IN THE TOKYO OLYMPICS!!





I like picturing him flipping him off violently again here.




My camera was out of film, I need to reload.







o...kay





Given that Heero is what 16, I can emphathize with his STOP TALKING LIKE YOU KNOW ME %( rage here




YEAH
I SURE SHOWED YOU

chances that someone is going to get run over on that conspicuous crosswalk
100%








GASP



God his legs are like knives.



ALSO HIS LEG IS BROKEN BUT THAT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN TO LOOK AT



Oh god please say he is I really need this job











OH SNAP




Well broken arm, close enough.




Maybe we should start... I don't know, keeping better tabs on him. Just a thought.




~ANGST~





Heh, CD player.




You know how people say "Man, she had legs that went on for miles"

this is the literal interpretation of that concept




I wonder if the appeal of a rockstar character is being able to write their emotions in a cheesy song?



BUT ENOUGH OF THAT, LET'S HAVE A FLASHBACK!




I missed a cap here, I forget what it said which is a bit annoying since it was kind of important if I remember right. Something like... something about choosing her, or other people, or something? I dunno.



Honestly I'm not entirely sure what Heero's mom's deal was, maybe she was just nuts.







NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME



angst



We can play bridge






And then Heero whipped out the revolver.






Maybe the problem here is your technique, Seph.








And so on and so on.





Ah, uke eyes. Even if they're rare for Heero.



veni veni venias



I'm pretty sure you'd still suck even with BOTH your arms Seph
you one-armed doofus






Something about this is hilarious to me, I don't know.




I'll just roll around in the dirt in the meantime, who cares.




SEXUAL THINGS i mean




Heero says a bit a snippily.




Wouldn't being high as a kite hamper your soccer playing abilities?




From a distance, through binoculars.




HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW





Even when they're kicking and screaming, that sort of love.






Man have you ever thought about love
i mean REALLY thought about it




HEERO DON'T BUY THIS LOVE NONSENSE



Please don't tell the bouncers to kick me out




And he runs away, just like Heero's always ~running away from his feelings~



ne me mori facias





AND THAT'S THE END OF OUR STORY GOODNIGHT




SOMEONE GET THAT LOSER OFF THE FIELD



We have that Squash appointment, we can't miss it.



Mercury tears are an epidemic.




EXCEPT THIS!!




I like everyone's wtf expressions.



Uh Seph that's kind of what we've been trying to do the whole time
do you know how soccer works



YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.





HURRAY!




YOUR TEAM WON MAN
THIS ISN'T THE NORMAL REACTION



Then they still would have lost.





That and a major buzz.












Sephiroth you really don't think anything through do you.




AS WE JUST EXPLAINED A MOMENT AGO



In the closest thing to happy we've seen Heero in up to this point, he slides down the banister with a little Wooo! that's actually legitimately cute.



YES THINGS ARE FINALLY GOING MY WAY
I SURE HOPE THAT WEIRD STALKER DOESN'T RUIN EVERYTHING FOR ME





And then Seph passes out. YOU ALWAYS DO THIS



To the place where worlds collide



You're a pervert aren't you



Like where you put all those surreptitious pictures you took of me that I KNOW you have








ANGST



Hahahahahaha honestly that'd be my reaction too



Well, given your lackluster soccer abilities, probably not



WOW that's arrogant of you Seph




sors immanis




is Betty Crocker



DRAMATIC LIGHTNING FLASH
ooooh how predictable it all is




Say that again. SAY THAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU.



Let me just get my rape eyes on here



OH GOD THE SPIDER MONSTER WAS YOU ALL ALONG NOOOOOOOOO



I wanted to lead!




You'd think a guy who plays soccer day in and day out would be able to overpower a prettyboy rockstar but I guess not.




%) Ahrurgahfhghrurhabglbbll!!! HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!



Heero just like oh god#$^#it



Heero actually surprises me by punching Sephiroth in the face.





BY... RAPING YOU???



Heero throws another whiskey bottle into the air, this time breaking that convenient window behind them.




AND SEPH CATCHES THE SHARD OF GLASS IN HIS SHOULDER OOOOOH



instant heart attack



trying to force myself on you and then you punching me god it makes me so hot






HEY WHY ARE YOU RUNNING OUT THE DOOR, I'M BEING ROMANTIC





Part of what makes this ridiculous melodrama so hilarious to me is remembering that these are both 16 year old boys and that they are no doubt taking all of this completely seriously





POOR CHOICE OF WORDS, SEPHIROTH




Mouth rape will ensue! Heero fights a bit then gives up, as these things always go.



JUST GET IT OVER WITH, I HAVE A SOCCER MATCH TO GO TO



Bam, called it.



I told you not to! Now you'll have one across your face for eternity too, man no one ever listens to me




YOU KNOW HOW MY PARENTS DIED
YOU PRICK



Man can't get enough men crying dramatically, that's awesome
I'm being serious, this is hilarious



Honestly I'd have my doubts about someone who would.




Which would be...?




Those pot brownies are really kickin in now




YEAH MAN IF YOU'RE GAY WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING
MIGHT AS WELL JUST KILL YOURSELF FOR BEING A FREAK

although again if this is a 16 year old boy rockstar i can see him flipping out melodramatically over something like this




OH MAN TEAR TURN TO BLOOD TEAR TURN TO BLOOD
COME ON
COMPLETE THE WHOLE ANGSTY SCENE
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO



yessssss



The end?! what


Actually there's a sequel to this called Bronze that has 10x the histrionics and ridiculous drama. For example Sephiroth gets himself hit by a car again for possibly the stupidest reason ever. Heero is so angry about this. And his feelings. PERHAPS SOMEDAY I WILL DO THAT ONE FOR YOU AS WELL

hahahaha but yeah, that's zetsuai for you. you could do worse, all things considered. and i found it hilarious, anyway.
Tags: screencap adventures, yaoi can be kind of dumb
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